The List, Part I—Who is Your One: Drawing Your Map
If you are reading this, you must believe in the “One” in the idea of having a “Soulmate.” Good for you! That is the first place to start. If you don’t believe the “One” is out there, that person will be very difficult to find. Could they fall into your lap? Sure. It has happened. However, I’m guessing it hasn’t happened for you otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article!
Okay, you have accomplished step one “Believing the ‘One’ exists.” The next step is what I lovingly refer to as “The List” (cue the dramatic music). The List comes up throughout my coaching . . . it is THAT important. It is so many things in one. For the purposes of this exercise, however, the List is your roadmap, your GPS. What is the List? The List describes your “One.” It is extremely detailed and will get you to think about your soulmate in way in which you never have. It will give you hope, it will make them come alive, it will get you excited, and it will inspire you.
The List is so much fun to create, but you need to be in a location where you feel peaceful and have no distractions . . . a place where you can dream. Perhaps it is sitting on a floor in front of a fireplace with a cup of tea. Maybe you will be writing it on beautiful paper with a beautiful pen. Make it special because it is special.
Are you ready? Here are the rules. The rules are like guardrails- they keep you on the path. The first and most important rule is putting down EVERYTHING you want in a partner. You cannot edit yourself. There is no room for limiting beliefs here. You are reaching for the stars. You are describing the person of your dreams. Here is a complete list of the rules:
Write down everything you want in your one: BIG and small
You cannot write this list if you are currently involved or attached in any way to somebody (that will influence the list and it won’t be truly authentic);
This list should be at least five pages long (yep, single spaced);
Everything on the list must be stated in the positive;
There can be no limiting language on the list;
You need to include what this person looks like (more on this later);
You must dig deep and go beyond superficial words like “kind”, “family oriented”, “loyal,” “authentic”, “smart”, etc. You need to describe what it looks like when somebody possesses those qualities or you won’t have a clear idea of what you are looking for.
This must be a working list, i.e. you keep adding to it as new ideas arise.
We are throwing out your mother’s voice, your father’s voice, your friends’ voices, and society’s voice. This list is about YOU and your needs. Not them and what they think you need. You know best what you need. It’s also about throwing out silly “rules” or “limitations”. This leads to my explanation on the importance of including what this person looks like. Did that rule make you pause? It does for most people because we have been taught that it is superficial to think about somebody’s looks. Why? Isn’t it important to be both emotionally and physically attracted to your partner? Of course it is. What makes somebody attractive, physically, is different for everybody. What does this person look like to you? I have had people tell me, upon telling them the rules for the list, that they would rather have a nice guy then a guy to whom they are attracted. I told them, they were already limiting themselves: They have already told themselves they can have one thing but not the other. I asked each of those people if they had entered a relationship that way in the past. All of them said they had. I asked how it worked out. Can you guess? Terrible. Yep, if you start limiting yourself, you’ll just continue to settle for less and less of what you want. You need to be attracted to this person. Don’t you think they would want you to be attracted to them? Of course they would. Remember, who we are attracted to is different for everyone: it’s not what the society says. Also, who we are attracted to is physical but it also goes beyond the physical. You could meet the most attractive man in the world (by society’s standards) and not be attracted to them. The purpose of including appearance on the List is to get you to start thinking about being attracted to your partner, to make them come alive, and more importantly, to throw out things you have been told you shouldn’t be looking for. Don’t worry, you are not committing yourself to only finding somebody that looks a certain way.
Anyway, back to the list. Often when we ask somebody what kind of person they are looking for they will say things like “somebody who is nice, kind, loyal, authentic, funny”. That’s a great starting point, but what does that mean? That’s not a very good roadmap. If you were looking for a specific store, would you put “store” into your gps? Of course not. There are a million stores, but you are looking for one in particular. It is going to take you a long time to find the right store if you drive to every store on the map! Maybe you’ll get lucky and it will be the first store you go to, but that’s not likely. So, how do you dig deeper? You ask yourself questions.
Let’s take “nice”. What does it mean to be nice? Is that different that somebody who does nice things? YES! You could end up with somebody who does nice things sometimes. Maybe they do nice things only when it benefits them. Maybe they do nice things only when they need to keep the peace, etc. Somebody who is nice does nice things all of the time. Somebody who is nice talks respectfully to people, even if they are upset. Somebody who is nice treats all people with respect. Somebody who is nice may, in your mind, open your car door for you. They see you for who you are. They take notice of things you like so they can reference it for future use. They do thoughtful things for you (describe what those thoughtful things are). They call to check on you when you are apart, etc.
What about somebody who is authentic? What does it mean to be authentic? They are the same person in every situation-they don’t change personality or act differently when they are with their buddies. They don’t change their personality when they are with their family. They don’t change their personality when dealing with people who work for them or serve them (as in restaurants). They have one personality and it shows up the same way in EVERY situation. An authentic person is also not afraid to tell you when they do not like something. They don’t pacify you because they don’t want to upset you or disappoint you. They tell you but are respectful about it.
Can you now see how the list quickly develops into multi-pages? Yes, this does take some time and some work. It should! You are looking for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. How much time and work did you put into preparing for your career? Why would you not do the same here? Have fun, dig deep and let this person come alive. Find out who your “one” is so you can start your search!!
©2019, Loari Edison, Break the Dating Code