The List, Part II— Who Is Your One: Values
When looking for your One, where should you start? The most important place, of course: You! You need to be the foundation for this search. More specifically, it is you in the form of your well thought out and articulated values. Your values give insight into who you are and give insight into the identity of your One. Your values will be your beacon of light illuminating the right candidates and placing the wrong candidates in the shadows. They will help you stay the course and date with confidence.
Values are something we assume we know. They are fuzzy and generalized, at best. When it comes to dating, this lack of understanding is one of the biggest roadblocks to finding our One. Identifying our values and aligning our behaviors and habits accordingly is essential for dating and will help you in three ways: 1) It will help you know how to operate from your best self, 2) it will help you recognize when you are not operating from your best self so you can self-reflect, correct, be confident and date authentically, 3) it will help you identify red flags, 4) it will help you deepen your list for your one, 5) it will help you recognize when you are not dating your One. Your one must have the same values.
Values, themselves, are hard to define. If we cannot define values, we cannot know our values. If we do not know our values, we will not know our One’s values. Dating without this knowledge makes it easy to get distracted by people that are not our One. So, what are values? Simply put, values are our beliefs or standards about what is good. They are our principles or morals.
Now that you know the definition of values, what are your values? Spend some time thinking about your values and write them down. Some examples of values are honesty, charity, empathy, equality, tolerance, kindness, love, integrity, perseverance. For more examples look at breakthdatingcode.com under the “Tools” tab. Spend some time really thinking about them and what they mean to you. Why are they your values? Refine them and give them a more specific name: a name that really helps you hone in on the essence of what that label means to you.
Once you identify your values, you must dig deeper and think about what it looks like to live your values. What does it look like to live these values every day and honor them in every action? What behaviors are driven by your values? This is called value driven behavior. Let me give you an example. Kindness is one of my values. What does it mean to live out this value? We need to start by asking ourselves questions. Is it the act of doing kind things for family and friends? Do I act in kindness to everyone, including myself? Does it mean I smile and say hello to everyone? Do I help strangers? Am I kind to people who are unkind to me? Am I kind even if I am having a bad day? What does kindness look like to you? Take all of your values through this line of questioning so you have a better idea of what you mean and to what extent you live this value.
Use these values to find your partner. Write these values down on “The List”. Your One shares your values, but he does not necessarily need to have the same value driven behaviors. Go through your value driven behaviors and ask yourself if you need for your One to have any of those behaviors. If gratitude is a value for both you and him, must you live it the same way? Perhaps some of the value driven behavior needs to be the same. Let’s say you live this value by actively looking for things to be grateful for, writing thank you notes, thanking somebody in person when they show an act of kindness. Must your One share the same value driven behavior? You decide. Include the necessary behaviors on “The List”.
Our values are supposed to drive our behavior, but they cannot drive our behavior if we are not conscious of what they are. Practicing our value driven behavior makes us better people. Now here is the caveat: You are human and will not always practice these values. That’s okay. Keep trying anyway. The more you practice, the more they truly become a part of you and the more consistent you will be in their practice. The bonus is that you will find peace. Your values are who you are and when you live authentically being yourself in every situation, you will be without inner conflict.
Living these values consistently (all the time and in every situation) helps us operate from the best version of ourselves and date authentically. This will help us recognize when we are dating Someone Else’s One and will help us to move on much faster. It will also help us recognize our One and our values and value driven behavior will help our One know they have met their One.
©2019, Loari Edison, Break the Dating Code