Square Peg Round Hole: It’s just not a match
If you ascribe to the belief that your “one” is out there, then you have to ascribe to the belief that there are several ones that are not your one. In fact, not only are they not your “one” they are someone else’s one (“SOE”). Do you agree? It’s as logical as it gets. Okay, then . . . do your dating habits reflect this belief? Most people’s dating habits do not.
For some reason, we try to make things work when they shouldn’t. I think we do that because deep down we do not believe: 1) we will get everything we want in a relationship; 2) we confuse the someone else’s (“SOEs”) with our one; 3) we want to seek temporary comfort in a relationship, or; 4) we do not believe our person is out there. If any of these limiting beliefs show up, you need to stop dating until you change your perspective. You are entering the dating danger zone if you proceed with these beliefs.
When people discover the person they are dating is missing some of the important things they are looking for and/or they are not getting what they need from their interactions, they rarely move on right away. They usually stay and try to make it work despite signs showing them they are not in the right relationship. They stay and they try to make the SOE, their one. It rarely, if ever, ends well.
In my work, I have noticed two ways in which a person tries to make it work with a SOE. The either: 1) change themselves to fit the other person, or 2) try to change the other person to fit them. Either way, it will never work. An SOE can never be YO. And we cannot fully be ourselves with a SOE. Let me give you some examples of what it can look like to go down that road. Thankfully, both of these individuals had done a lot of dating pre-work and, as a result, they were able to break out of their old dating habits before things went too far.
“S” began dating a gentleman who loved rock climbing. It was how he spent 90% of his time outside of work. S, while loving exercise, was afraid of heights. She did not mention this to her date. Instead, she told her date she liked rock climbing. After all, he was so nice. He had a great job and did charitable events (related to rock climbing), and she loved that he was passionate about something. She continued to date him. However, he did talk a lot about rock climbing and had many rock climbing stories and used a lot of rock climbing analogies when trying to explain a point. She met a couple of his friends, all rock climbers. S started to get annoyed by the whole rock climbing thing, but he was so great in so many other areas. She tried to make it work. How could she let someone so great get away? She agreed to go rock climbing with him to show how supportive she was and how much they could make it work. She had a horrible time on the climb up, but she made it. However, when she was belaying down she had a complete panic attack. Her date had to come to her rescue. She was very embarrassed, but her embarrassment showed up as anger towards her date. She later apologized.
After some self-reflection and the realization that she put both herself and this gentleman in danger, she concluded that this would not turn into a relationship. She had no interest in rock climbing (she was terrified of it) and she had no interest in being with someone who spent the majority his time in that world. No matter how great he was, she realized she would grow resentful if it turned into a relationship. She also knew that he would grow resentful of her if she tried to influence him away from his passion. She knew he was not the right relationship. While she tried to make herself his one and him her one, they both belonged to someone else. It would not work and they would end up bringing each other down. They would bring out the worst versions of themselves.
“D” was someone who listed faith (specifically, living out her faith by means of kindness to everyone) and helping others as her values and priorities. She knew she would need to be with someone who shared the same values and priorities because they were so important to her. She met J on a dating site. J was handsome, charming, and very flattering. He told her that he went to church every Sunday (same faith as D) and he loved that she volunteered. He had not volunteered because he was so busy with work, but would love to try it sometime with her. She walked away from their first date with a lot of hope and excitement. On their next date, D and J went to Sunday mass and brunch. During mass, D noticed J checking his phone. . . a lot. When a baby cried in the row in front, J got annoyed and made sure the parents knew how unhappy he was by making sounds of exasperation and staring at them. This made D uncomfortable. They had a wonderful time at brunch.
For their next date, they arranged to meet at the school D volunteered at on Saturday mornings. J never showed up. D texted and called, but never received a response. She was devastated. She was so excited to share this experience with him (nobody had ever offered to go with her to volunteer) and she really liked him. They had so much in common. Finally, a week later J called to apologize and asked D out again. D was tempted to accept, but she realized that she had ignored early signs that J was not her one. The way he acted in mass showed that he was not really into their faith and being kind to people. The way he acted really bothered her. She also realized that his failure to show up to their volunteering date was totally no okay. She was not looking for this kind of relationship. She wanted a relationship that was fun and easy, not stressful and unreliable. She realized that J was not her one, he was a SOE. He was not her one and she was not his one. They were meant for different people. Because she had done her work, D realized they were not meant for each other. She did not disparage his character and she did not internalize what he did: she did not own it. She wished him the best and moved on. The relationship with her one would not be full of disappointments.
If you can’t move on like S and D, is it because you believe it’s the best you can get in a relationship? That you will not find a better person? If so, you need to stop dating until you believe differently. Yes, look at the person, but look at the whole person. Don’t choose to see only what you want to see. Do not try to make them your one. Also, look at how you are with that person. Do they inspire you to keep operating from the best version of yourself? Do you do the same for them?
You have heard the saying “you cannot fit a square peg in a round hole.” Have you ever seen a child’s sorting toy: the the one where you have to match the right shape with the right cut-out in order for the shape to fit? Think of your dates like that. If you two are not the right match, what will you do? Will you force yourself to match? Will you chip away at yourself so you can fit the other person? What happens if you do? You will be taking away from yourself and who you are. You will not be able to operate from your best self. You will be sending yourself the message that you are not good enough. Is that what you want?
What if you chip away at who the other person is in order to make them fit you? Will you try and make them into something they are not? Who would want to chip away at another person to make the other person fit? Someone who is not operating from the best version of themselves. That is not good for you or them. It is okay if you do not fit . . . move on! Do not waste your time trying to make a SOE your one. The more time you spend on the wrong shapes (SOEs), the longer it will take to find your right shape (YO). You also have to free them up so they can find their one.
We need to get comfortable as a society with the truth that most people are not our match and when we realize that (after dating and getting to know someone) we need to walk away and we need to do so with integrity. We need to be respectful to ourselves by not internalizing another’s behavior and we need to be respectful to the other person by not delving into what is wrong with them. Everybody is on their own journey. We all make mistakes along the way. Forgive and move on. The only thing you need to know is that you are both someone else’s one. That’s why it will not (or did not) work. That frees both people up to find the right match. It also saves a lot of time and a lot of hurt. The journey is much lighter if we don’t carry baggage.
©2019, Loari Edison, Break the Dating Code