The List, Part III— Who Is Your One: Priorities

You started The List and have fortified it with values and value driven behavior (see past blog posts “Who is Your One: Drawing your Map,” and “The Foundation for Finding a Partner: Values”). Now it’s time to look at your priorities. If you do not know your priorities, you will not know your One’s priorities. Your One will have the same priority categories as you and you need them for The List.

What is a priority? By definition, a priority is something to which we give precedence. What does that mean? It means that you make time for something. In order for this definition to have real meaning, I would add two things: 1) the “something” to which you give your time must be important to you, and; 2) you give precedence to this thing that is important to you with both your time and your attention.

In order to figure out what is most important, it helps to start with “priority categories.” They are general priorities. They help us to go deeper and discover our specific priorities. Your One must have the same priority categories as you, but not necessarily the same specific categories. Some examples of priority categories are: Self, Work, Family, Faith, Friends, Volunteering/Service to Others, Hobby. Go through and really think about what your priority categories are and then list them in order of importance. Write them down for yourself and then write them on The List.

Let’s dig deeper and get into your specific categories. How can you do this? You can reflect upon your general categories and ask yourself how you need to honor each of those categories. Another way, which has been most helpful for my clients, is to ask yourself what you need to do each day in order to feel and be your best. What does that look like? Write those tasks down. Maybe under the “self” category you need to exercise, get eight hours of sleep, read a book. If “family” is a priority category, perhaps you need to talk with your mom or dad every day. Maybe “work” means working a certain number of hours or completing a certain amount of projects. Go through each category and identify what you specifically need to do each day. Those daily “needs” are priorities. Write them down on your list and put a “D” next to them.

Next, I want you to think about your weekly needs. Maybe under the “self” category it is getting a manicure. If Faith is a priority category, perhaps it is going to mass or temple or some other service once a week. If Family is a priority category, perhaps calling a sibling once a week is a priority. Write those down as priorities and put a “W” next to them. You can even go so far as writing down your monthly needs if that helps identify priorities. Maybe under “Self” it is paying bills or meeting up with a specific friend. Write these priorities down on the list and place an “M” next to them. If you need more examples, go to breakthedatingcode.com and look under the “Tools” tab. If you do not make these things priorities, it will be very difficult to honor them. If you do not honor them, it will be difficult to operate from the best version yourself.

What about time, you say? You do not have time to do all of these things? Work takes up most of your time and you have time for little else? Yes, you do. There is always time. How many of us waste our time on things that are not priorities- social media, tv etc? All of us do. Those can be things to which we give precedence (our time and attention) that are not important to us. Think about the things that are not important to you which you give your time and attention. If they are not important, eliminate them and free up some time!

Do you still not have enough time? Yes, you do. Here is a secret: You do not have to spend as much time as you think on your priorities. We tend to have “all or nothing” thinking when it comes to our schedules and this causes us to give up on some of our priorities entirely. What if I told you that all you had to do was touch on each priority every day? Obviously, sleep and work require that you do more than “touch” upon them, but the other things do not require as much time as you think. If you take this perspective, you will become very flexible. I think we can all agree that no matter how much we plan, something unexpected happens to throw our schedule off. Okay, no problem. Build in flexibility! You can still satisfy all of your priorities. You may want to exercise for an hour, but you don’t have time. Instead of eliminating this priority ask what you can do to maintain it? Can you run for 15-20 minutes? Still don’t have time? Take five minutes and stretch and add a two minute plank. If you are trying to learn a language, but only have 5 minutes a day, that’s okay. That is 35 minutes a week and roughly 140 minutes a month. That is better than 0. Here is the caveat: when you are maintaining your priorities, you must give them your full attention. Think quality over quantity. You can spend an hour talking to your mom but is it meaningful if you are watching tv, on your computer or doing your laundry at the same time? How does that compare with a 10 minute call where you are giving her your full attention? Do you see? You can maintain all of your priorities every day if you have the right perspective: quality over quantity. The point is that you need to maintain your priorities every day to keep them as habits. Remember, something is always better than nothing and something adds up to a lot over time!

Let’s return to the List. You have your One’s priority categories on there now. They are the same as yours. Ask yourself if there are specific priorities your One must have. If Faith is a priority category for both of you and a specific priority for you is to say daily prayers or go to services once a week, must your One also have those things as a priority? Does your One need to share in your specific religion? If Volunteering is a category for both of you and your specific priority requires that you volunteer for a specific group or that you volunteer every week, must your One have the same specific priorities? Is it okay if he volunteers once a month, once a year? Is it okay if he volunteers in a different way than you? Think about it. Go through your specific priorities and ask yourself if your One needs to have the same. If not, ask yourself how he honors his priority categories. What do you need from him? Write any specific priorities for him on The List.

In order to operate from the best version of yourself, you must maintain your priorities and live them daily, weekly, monthly (however you have set them out) and honor your values in all of your actions (value driven behavior). How do people lose themselves in dating and relationships?They let go of their priorities and they stop honoring their values.When you lose yourself, you cannot operate from the best version of yourself and you cannot be authentic. When this happens, you cannot see others.You cannot date with your eyes wide open. You talk yourself into believing the wrong person is your One.You can even talk yourself into a dangerous relationship. You do not have to fall into this trap. You are in charge.Live your priorities (do not give them up for anything or anyone), live your values, and use The List.

Loari EdisonDecember 12, 2019